Your marriage is over — now what?

The wife is pouring herself a cup of coffee. The husband is sitting at the kitchen table, reading the morning paper. As she sits, he lowers the paper, pauses, and drops the bomb. “I want a divorce.”

Those four words have turned many people’s lives upside down. A marriage can often dissolve suddenly, after five, 15, 30 years. Whether or not the spouse saw it coming, divorce can be overwhelming, especially for women who have stayed at home to run the household or raise the children. They are afraid: What will happen to me? Where will I live? How will I pay the bills?

Marilyn Rackover is no stranger to divorce. Her husband asked for one almost eight years ago after 37 years together. But at least hers had not been a nightmare. And soon, she found herself in new social circles. “I was single and suddenly I was meeting a lot of newly single women,” Rackover said. “They would chat about their divorce settlements and I would ask them questions. Inevitably, they would say ‘I wish I’d known you before we negotiated.’ ”

It took Rackover a few years of living as a single woman to acknowledge she had something she could offer other women facing divorce.

So she became a divorce coach.

She helps people prepare for the first stage of the transition from being wedded to single.

Her business is called The Divorce Coach, and her motto is “New beginning. Strong start.” Since she started coaching two years ago, all of Rackover’s clients have been women, but her service is open to both men and women.

Rackover has a degree in psychology along with an extra helping of common sense.

She is not a lawyer, a therapist or a mediator. She is a practical voice in the emotional maelstrom. Practical does not mean uncaring. Rackover does keep a box of tissues on her desk.

“I give them a little emotional time. I’ve been there,” Rackover said. “I ask them if they are seeing a therapist and recommend that they do.

“A lot of women never find out why the husband left. They berate themselves. It’s good to see a therapist, because you need all your strength. I’m there to take the emotion out of the equation. They have to sit down and think practically.”

One woman, whom we’ll call Sandra since she is still in divorce negotiations, heard about Rackover through a friend. Sandra’s marriage had broken up after 41 years.

“I was an emotional wreck,” Sandra said. “We had dinner. We talked. I cried. It was like that. I had been living a very sheltered life. (Marilyn) really set me straight.”

Sandra had been a stay-at-home mom, an enthusiastic volunteer and did not have to work. She lived in a privileged world where money was not a problem. Anything to do with investments and bills she left to her husband.

Rackover’s first order of business for wives: get familiar with the family finances.

Each client is given a 12-page spread sheet listing dozens of possible living expenses. The more receipts, documents and answers the client can dig up the better her understanding will be of the real costs of her living situation.

“I am constantly amazed at how little women know about the family finances,” Rackover said. “It blows me away.”

Rackover said many women don’t have a clue what is included in the investment portfolio or how much the family pays in taxes. They don’t know how much the mortgage is or how much it costs to pay for utilities.

And so the 12 pages cover everything from how much the rent or mortgage costs per month to how much has been saved in joint RRSPs to how much the dental insurance costs per month. How much debt is the couple carrying on the credit cards? What is spent every year on the family pet’s veterinarian visits? How much will it cost to replace the clunky dishwasher or pay for the children’s school pictures?

Even the smallest expenses are included on the list.

“You go out for lunch with a friend or buy a package of chewing gum,” Rackover said. “Most of us aren’t aware of how much we spend in a day. I ask my clients to keep a careful tab of daily expenses.”

Sandra took Rackover’s advice to heart and did her homework.

“I didn’t know where I was going. Because of that work, when I went to the lawyer, I was able to think more logically and not with my emotions. And because I was prepared, I spent less time with my lawyer.”

The one fear Rackover’s clients share is losing the family home.

“The woman wants the house,” she said. “I try to make them understand how much it costs to run a home. What if the roof needs to be replaced? Who is going to pay for it? Relocating is scary, but sometimes you just don’t have the choice.

“I was at home for 25 years raising the children. After the divorce, it wasn’t the structure of the house that meant something to me, it was the possessions that came with me that represented my life.

“After a divorce, your lifestyle changes. So you have to start training right from the beginning to start living differently. I tell my clients to create their own financial identity. Get their own credit card and build up their own credit rating.”

Rackover’s clients range in age from mid-40s to 65. Many have never had their own credit card or even opened a bank account.

“Women in the age range of mid-50s and up tend to know less about the family finances,” Rackover said. “Younger women tend to know more, if they are working, although (the finances) are not always discussed between spouses. These discussions should be an important aspect of any marriage.”

Said Sandra: “I think the most important lesson Marilyn taught me was to stick to a budget. I’d never had to pay a bill. I was so protected.

“I hadn’t worked all my married life and suddenly I had to find a full- time job. It took a long time and a lot of courage to do it all.

“Am I sticking to the budget? I’m not in debt. Let’s put it that way. But I’ve learned to set priorities. I never had to do that before.”

Not all divorces are civil and not all husbands will be forthcoming with financial details, but the more information a wife can gather, the better prepared she will be for negotiations and to move forward with her life.

Rackover lets clients know what their rights are. Her ideal scenario is for everyone to have developed a “financial intimacy” before getting married — to understand and recognize what each other’s spending habits are and to discuss what the financial priorities of the relationship are.

Unfortunately, that ideal scenario is not common practice.

Along with meeting with clients, Rackover is developing a workshop for people who want to become more familiar with family finances. She is busy and she is happy.

“I’m loving life now,” Rackover said. “I’m out there dancing. You have to allow yourself to do that. You do yourself a disservice not to move on.”